(January 1, 2011)
This New Years, I am reflecting not on the end of a year but the end of a decade, The morning of December 31, 2010, laying in the bed I was thinking about these things and decided to write it down – which I do most things… I decided to share this one …. Here it is ….
The 10 most important lessons of the Decade
1. In the last 10 years, I’ve lent major amounts of money to 10 people, 7 of those 10 people, have not paid me back, and the 3 who paid me back, were employees.
The Lesson: To paraphrase yoda : Lend not , either give or don’t give..
2. Between 2002 and 2004 (roughly) I was in a bad relationship. 2 years later in a very random moment on a Flight to South Africa realized that relationship was ACTUALLY emotionally abusive. To this day I have flash backs of what I SHOULD have SAID (or done) in certain instances, kind of like Post Traumatic Stress of the Heart.
The Lesson: there is a very fine line between a bad relationship and an emotionally abusive one, peace at ALL cost isn’t peace at all. Always be your self, if your significant other is treating you in ways you would advise your friends not to tolerate, change your situation.
3. People ask me often, how I felt about the Grammy’s of 2002, where I was nominated for 7 Grammy’s and ultimately shut out. I said everything from; I was un fair and it hurt me, TO I am glad it happened that way it taught me a lot and gave my star room to rise. In this past Decade I’ve realized, that spiritually, I can ONLY get what I am READY and OPEN for. I wanted the attention but I was Afraid of all of the attention. I was so scared by all of those Grammy nomination that I had chest pains, I wanted to win but I was afraid of the responsibility of it, and I found every subconscious way to make sure I didn’t win. OFCOURSE it was ALSO, all very political, the opposing business team CRUSHED MY business team, …. But in the end I won a place in the HEARTS of millions and over the next decade, I went on to create 3 more albums all while standing somewhat still. What I mean is, I didn’t grow too much, or too little, I didn’t make TOO many new fans but I didn’t loose any, and TO THIS DAY people talk about how I SHOULD have won. In hindsight I realize that I DID win, and I could have leveraged THAT very public shut out into a MAJOR career win, I just didn’t WANT to, I was afraid.
LESSON: when you’re scared of Failure and scared of success, standing still is the only option left – only you can choose which one.
4. This decade my BIGGEST lesson has been speaking my truth even when I’ afraid. I went from a very earthy, poetic hearted, sensitive art student young adult in my thrift store dresses and riding my bike playing guitar under the trees …. To being a VERY small fish in a HUGE ocean, prayed upon by Blue blooded corporate SHARKS! And INSTANTLY, I had to say things like “do what you said you are going to do! … to the CEO of Motown, or “My Band NEEDS to be taken care of “ OH! How bout this one: “ THIS PERSONS NAME, NEEDS to be on the back of my album SHE is the TRUE executive producer ” TO THE CFO OF UNIVERSAL MUSIC GROUP. And EVERY time I had to have a confrontation I would be sweating DOWN my armpits and heart racing really genuinely AFRAID, of what I’m not SURE, of stepping out of my comfort zone, FOR SURE. I used to see this scary thing that came into my life, as a burden that wasn’t meant to be, but I realize now I was but in the water with the sharks to learn to fend for myself, to navigate the world…. MY WEAPON? Prayer and my spiritual grounding. I do things like wear white on my head during those meetings, I pray about what to say before hand and meditate on it. I ask God to cover and protect my heart that I would speak my truth with love and not become hardened by ANY confrontation…. Simple things, and they work for me. I’ve come a LONG way in being able to speak for myself, and still a long way to go.
THE LESSON: to paraphrase the Yoruba proverb: Through prayer, there is a bigger FISH waiting to eat the BIG fish that’s trying to eat you.
5. My MOTHER and I ….. my mother and I , what can I say. During this decade we went from Being a conventional Mother and daughter. To a more symbiotic relationship. She still the mom and gets to win every debate, but we DO DEBATE. And while my career has brought LOTS of lessons for me, it’s also brought LOTS OF LESSONS FOR HER. My mother was ALSO a singer, and the small upstart label Motown wanted to sign her as a Teenager. She decided not to do and regretted it all her life. NOW here I am 23 years old signing with Motown. I didn’t consciously do it for her, but subconsciously for sure I did. I’m certain of this. And during this decade I’ve seen my mother act in way I didn’t recognize. Growing up my mother was the STORNGEST WOMAN ON THE PLANET. PERIOD. She paid the bills owned a business and raised 2 children, pretty much alone… but during this decade, I was able to free her form THOSE responsibilities and she took on OTHER responsibilities of being a part of my CAREER TEAM. I watched my mother having emotional our bursts and being childish at times, doing things I found not only foreign but EXTREEEEEMLEY annoying… but we continued to work together because I needed her there, to protect me, and hold me up when my back was weak. I quickly got clear that NO ONE, cared about me like she did in business or in the world in general and I needed her there… and I WANTED her there to experience my new HIGHS! …. The alternative of not having her there, didn’t feel anything like right. My love for her called me to, get over the shock of her not being the STRONGEST PERSON IN THE WORLD, to find a way to really SEE the REASONS behind why she would sometimes act the way she does.
The Lesson: My mother is not just my MOTHER, she isnt PERFECT!, she is HUMAN, she is PERFECTLY HUMAN, and I have to honor and make room for that.
6. There have been A LOT of ups and downs, and I’m not sure when I signed up for such a tumultuous life. I’ve experienced VERY High HIGHS, and Very LOW, Lows. And when I’m living in the in between I don’t know what to do with myself but SIT still somewhere and stare out the window, and that inevitably turns into analyzing my feelings… and writing … writing things like this. I always come back to the truth that I have lived many of my dreams, and things I could have never dreamed of. I always wanted to MEET Stevie Wonder, now I’ve not only MET him, but written 2 songs and recorded 2 songs with him. One that was the title cut for his first album in 10 years. Nominated for 2 Grammy’s with him, ( the Christmas song and a time to love) won an NAACP award with him, become friends with him. I’ve Sang with James Taylor, Had Bill Withers in an audience at my show, been on Oprah 3 times, performed twice. I even got to meet and have a private conversation with Met Nelson Mandela.
I’ve been in 3 major relationships, one youthful one ( brown skin) one awful one (These eyes) and one GREAT one ( He heals me) , and some interesting friendships in between a public relationship ( The Truth), a surprise one, (Beautiful surprise), Wait until your hear 6th Avenue - LOL! EVERY one of those relationships was a blessing. I’ve gone from a starving artist to financially independent, shared the stage with Sting, Bette Midler, won 3 grammy, been nominated for 23 GRAMMYS! won NUMEROUS NAACP AWARDS, and a few BET awards, I have the REGULAR EXPERIENCE of EVERYTIME I am in concert, the whole audience sings every word to every songs, and the person who made me see that clearly, was George Benson…. I’ve recorded with John Mellencamp, Cassandra Wilson, Julia Fordham, Sergio Mendes, Carlos Santana, Stevie Wonder, … Herbie Hancock…. Smokey Robinson, most recently, Keb’mo I’ve even been written about in a book “ The Transformation” by Ainslie McLeod. And more and more and more …..I could go on and on and that’s the point.
The Lesson: there is REAL power in Focusing on the Good. FOR REAL
7. I realize that in nurturing my career, that I didn’t have the energy to nurture ANYTHING ELSE! I didn’t nurture my friendships, my family relationships, there was a period of time in there where I wasn’t even nurturing my own health. Touring severely anemic, and wondering why I am tired ALL DAY EVERY DAY, struggling to just make it through the airport, and trying to pretend like I feel good when I get on television, much of the time not saying how I REALLY feel about things. At the turn of the decade, I feel accomplished, but emotionally poor in many ways. Over the last 3 years I’ve worked harder to be better with my loved ones, and I am TRUYL thankful for the friends who are still HERE for me, and gracefully bowing out of all relationships that had to leave my life. I am now living in more balance, and moderation and that brings so much clarity
The Lesson to paraphrase the serenity prayer: Thank you God for granting me the clarity to Honor the relationships that i can not change, the Courage to Heal the relationships that I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
8. HINDSIGHT LOOMS LARGE at the turn of this decade. It is so easy for me to look back at the past and see my missteps, how I could have taken the other fork in the road and maybe be standing in a different spot than THIS ONE., what ever this one IS … struggling for my artistic integrity, afraid of something I have to do, firing an employee, being mistreated by an authority figure, feeling over looked, or under valued .. under paid.. whatever it is. Hindsight doesn’t shows me how I could have kept this from happening … I realize NOW, that the real lesson that hindsight teaches, is that I DON’T have to be here AGAIN.
The lesson: its okay not to Know, exploration is how we grow
9. SUCCESS is subject to your OWN definition. I had MANY people around me over the years who had DREAMS FOR me, I thought that meant they cared, and I’m sure they did, but I NOW understand that their dreams for me where inextricably tied to their OWN dreams of what THEY could ACHIEVE THROUGH me. I got to a place where I was working EVERYDAY, my very life energy was to fulfill someone else’s dreams for my life – slave to someone else’s agenda. The music industry is TOO HARD, the travel ALONE! and the energy out put is SO MUCH, TOO MUCH to be doing it for someone else’s reasons ….. That used to REALLY hurt me, but I understand now, that its human nature, and as it should be, We ALL have our own agendas and missions in life. Instead of spending so much energy on being HURT, I need to pay attention to MY agenda. Honor my dreams, honor my LIFE, define my mission and run my own race. About a year ago I promised myself, to take the reigns of my life. During this year of self- analyses, I realized that I was COMPLETELY UN EMPOWERED, and contrary to what I always felt, NO ONE USURPED MY POWER, I GAVE it away, FOR FEAR THAT I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO MANAGE MY OWN LIFE. I realize now that I lived a VERY sheltered life, which I am thankful for, but it left me with out the tools to navigate this world I walked into 10 years ago. The last 10 years has been an education in how the world IS, and now I am ready to create the PERSONAL world I desire. It is from that place of EMPOWERMENT, that for the FIRST TIME I GET CLEAR ON MY DEFINITION OF SUCCESS:
THE LESSON: Success for ME is CLARITY of my intention*, and reaching that intention while being true to myself.
10. My Intention: To spread love, healing, peace, and joy, through the POWER OF WORDS AND MUSIC. To be a living example of acceptance, honoring of cultural diversity, the interconnectedness of humankind, the elevation of consciousness of humanity, and above all else, to be an example of the truth that LOVE WINS, And to do it all while being TRUE TO MY SELF.
In the end, after this completely unexpected experience of fame …
The Lesson: No matter what anybody says, what matters MOST is what you think of your self
With love, Strength, Courage and Wisdom
INDIA.ARIE
_edit.JPG)
.JPG)
.jpg)
.JPG)